Why do men get uncertain dating
Why do men get uncertain dating - atlantic magazine internet dating
One of the things that many of us grownups struggle with is uncertainty.
If we had our way, we’d be happy 100% of the time and not experience loss, disappointment, conflict, criticism, or rejection.We forget that life ebbs and flows and that we learn what ‘up’ is because we also learn what ‘down’ is.We have to learn how to navigate these so that we can enjoy and maximise those ups and gradually recover from those downs.What many of us are looking for though, are ironclad guarantees or at the very least, a crystal ball to let us know whether or not we should bother.These would remove the uncertainty that comes with being vulnerable.We wouldn’t have to think or We can find decision-making scary and some of us are allergic to commitment, simply because it requires us to decide to be or do something without knowing exactly what’s going to happen next.
So we might, for instance, have to commit to following through with our desire to start a business and while we’ll have our idea and plan, we don’t know what’s going to happen from end to end and we don’t have a play by play list of what we’re going to be and do.
Instead, we have to make the decision, commit, and then invest our energy towards that commitment instead of looking for reasons to back out or question it. Before the point where we’re going to commit to something longer term and start talking ‘forever’, we have to give getting to know a person through the discovery phase of dating and then a relationship, a shot.
We don’t know how it’s going to pan out hence why it’s a wise idea to do some due diligence, not so that we can avoid anything we find remotely unfavourable but more so that if and when we decide to give a relationship a go and commit, we’re making the commitment with the best of the knowledge that we have at the time rather than doing it without self-knowledge, self-awareness, and a healthy dose of reality about the person in question.
When I hear people talking about ‘casual dating’ – Seriously, what else can we water down?
– I realise that what people who are afraid of commitment and vulnerability are looking for, are guarantees.
While there are no guarantees about what lies ahead, what you’re guaranteed when a fear of uncertainty is driving your thinking and behaviour, is frustration and feeling as if you’re in your own Groundhog Day. When we’re afraid of uncertainty to the point where we devote our energies to trying to control the uncontrollable by doing stuff like limiting or avoiding decisions and commitment, or worrying about what isn’t happening and forecasting doom, we effectively pee on our own parade and then wonder why we get wet and why it doesn’t smell too good. We become so fixated on the existence of uncertainty that we decide to play it safe with the certainty of our patterns – life-by-numbers.