Dating question air
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To be honest, dating while fat, Black, queer, a hood feminist, and a radical activist means either compromising parts of myself, or suffering through easing partners into gradually respecting all of my humanity.
Through all of the trials and tribulations, and in circumnavigating my identity, there are five primary questions I consider before committing to a potential partner.This is the number one question for me, especially as a fat femme.It’s important to know if a potential partner has ever dated someone fat because it sets the tone for history of attraction and having the experience of dating someone fat.It gives me a sense of relief and safety because it can be assumed that I’m not a fat girl experiment for you.In high school, I dated a guy who only asked me out to humiliate me in front of his friends.I’ve had men attempt to try me out because I’m a “pretty girl who’s big in all the right places” or they wanted to know what it was like to fuck a fat girl for shits and giggles.
As well, my race has always played a significant role in navigating trust of potential partners.
I dated someone who told me he always wanted to date a big black girl who could put him in his place. Racist fetishizing of fat Black girls is such a common reality that it forced me to question if a potential non-Black partner had a history of dating Black women as an additional stipulation so that I also didn’t feel like a research project, an animal, a fetish, or a place holder until someone more worthy came along.
These very dehumanizing hurtful experiences reaffirmed my distrust in anyone’s ability to love me for me, reinforcing why checking for receipts is out of respect for my wellbeing.
Although it’s not an absolute deal-breaker if someone hasn’t dated someone fat before me, it will set the tone for how much anxiety I might have in navigating being the first fat person you’ve dated.
Existing while fat means navigating a world that constantly tells you you’re unworthy.
That means that regardless of what we think of ourselves as fat people, we are subjected to proving our worth.